Punjabi Jokes
Sugar Joke
Rapeseed goes into the kitchen and opens the cookie jar. He looks inside and closes it. His wife observes the whole episode and says nothing. Again Rapeseed enters the kitchen and does the same thing. His wife asks, Rapeseed, why are you doing that?' Rapeseed replies, 'The Doctor told to check my sugar level regularly.'
Movie Joke
A Sardar said that he saw a movie 100 times. Reason:- There was a scene in the movie wherein a lady on the banks of a river is about to disrobe. Then suddenly a train passes by and the view is obscured. The Sardar saw the movie 100 times expecting the train to come late some day.
Donkey Joke
Having lost his donkey Sardarji Uddam got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby sees him and asks, So, your donkey is missing, what are you thanking God for?' Uddam replies, 'I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I, too, would have been missing.'
School Joke
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
My father grows beans, said Anil.
My father cooks beans, said Ranjit.
Then a little Sardarji, Narinder, spoke up, 'We are all human beans.'
Hospital Joke
Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta Singh stood beside the bed, Santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta Singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta Singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta Singh was visiting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. 'You know,' he said, 'Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.' He unfolded the note and read aloud, 'Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube.'
Cricket Joke
Cricket is the sport that Indian's are most passionate about as its probably the only sport, in India, where the national team does well from time-to-time. The Indian cricket team is worshipped when it wins, but when it loses it's time to tell jokes.
Will and Guy have selected their team of 11 favourites for you to enjoy. Let it be known that all these jokes, could be used about Australian, English, or even Yorkshire cricket. All you would need to do in our opinion is substitute the names Warne, Flintoff or Boycott as appropriate.
What does Harbajan Singh put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket? A bat.
Where do Indian Batsman perform there best? In adverts.
When would Saurav Ganguly have 100 runs against his name? When he is bowling.
What do you call an Indian player with 60 runs against his name? A bowler.
What would Ben Hilfenhaus be if he was an Indian? An all-rounder.
What is the difference between an Indian batsman and an Australian one? 100 runs.
What is the Indian definition of optimism? Yuvraj Singh applying sunscreen on his face before he comes in to bat.
The wicket-keeper had a high opinion of himself and was very free with his advice to the captain.
'You know,' he said, 'You've picked two men who should never be in the side.'
'Oh really,' said the captain icily, 'and who's the other one?'
What is the Indian version of a hat-trick? 3 runs in 3 balls.
Suresh Shastri asked: 'I've never umpired a game before, do I run after the ball?' No, run after the match!
How should the Indian coach reshuffle the Indian batting order? Move "Extras" up the order.
Computer Joke
Santa enters a shop that sell curtains. He announces to Gurdaya, the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of green curtains.' The salesman assures him that they had a large selection of green curtains. Gurdaya shows him several patterns, but Santa seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, he selects a smashing green floral print. The salesman asked what size curtains he requires. Santa replies, 'Fifteen inches.' 'Fifteen inches? ' explodes Gurdaya. 'That sounds a very small amount, what room are they for?' Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor. Gurdaya, an extremely surprised salesman replies, 'But, sir, computers do not have curtains!" ' Santa says, 'Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows.'
Hearing Aid Joke
Santa, hard of hearing, realises that he needs to buy a hearing aid, but he feels unwilling to spend too much money. 'How much do they cost?' he asks Manbir, the shopkeeper. 'That depends,' says. Manbir, 'They run from £20 to £2,000.' 'Let's see the £20 model,' asks Santa. Manbir puts the device around Santa's neck instructing, 'You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket.' 'How does it work?' Santa inquires. 'For only £20 it doesn't work," Manbir replies, 'But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!'
Dream Joke
Santa kept having the same strange dream every night, so he made an appointment to see a doctor. Doctor Ajaib: What was your dream about? Santa: I was being chased by a vampire! Doctor Ajaib: [smiling to himself] So... what is the scenery like? Santa: I was running in a hall way. Doctor Ajaib: Then what happened? Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge! Doctor Ajaib: Does the door have anything written on it? Santa: Yes it does. Doctor: And what do these letters say? Santa: It says, "Pull."
Lottery Joke
Banta finds himself in considerable trouble. His business has gone bust and he has serious financial concerns. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray: 'Oh God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.' Lotto night arrives and somebody else wins it. Banta goes back to the temple, 'God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.' Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!! Back to the temple he goes. 'God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?' Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Banta is confronted by the voice of the Lord, 'OYE BANTA, YOU HAVE TO BUY THE TICKET FIRST.'
Clock Joke
Santa is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Santa says agrees. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Santa figures he has been made a fool by that man. On the next day Santa is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' Santa gives him the thousand and says, 'Oye, I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder.'
Bar Joke
Santa goes into a bar in New York. The man on his right orders a drink, 'Johnnie Walker, single.' The man on his left says, 'Jack Daniels, single.' Santa says. 'Santa Singh, married.'
School Joke
Santa returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father, 'Dad, today we had a spelling class. All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?' 'No son, that's because you are intelligent.' Santa seemed content with the answer, asks his father another question, 'Dad, today we had Maths class. All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ?' 'No son, that's because you are intelligent,' replies his father. Happy with the answer, Santa poses another question to his father, 'Dad, today we had medical examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar ?' The father replies, 'No son, that's because you are 33 years old.'
Wedding Joke
Santa and Jeeto were preparing wedding cards for their son at the printers. Jeeto was not very good at English so she asked the printer to help her. After the printer had presented her with a draft, she quickly pointed out that the "RSVP " was missing . The printer was surprised by Jeeto's knowledge and asked her if she knew what it meant. Jeeto started to think and after much thought he replied, 'Vait! I remember. I remember. RSVP. It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present."
This page contains very spicy Punjabi jokes that are from a rare traditional collection.
Rapeseed goes into the kitchen and opens the cookie jar. He looks inside and closes it. His wife observes the whole episode and says nothing. Again Rapeseed enters the kitchen and does the same thing. His wife asks, Rapeseed, why are you doing that?' Rapeseed replies, 'The Doctor told to check my sugar level regularly.'
Movie Joke
A Sardar said that he saw a movie 100 times. Reason:- There was a scene in the movie wherein a lady on the banks of a river is about to disrobe. Then suddenly a train passes by and the view is obscured. The Sardar saw the movie 100 times expecting the train to come late some day.
Donkey Joke
Having lost his donkey Sardarji Uddam got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby sees him and asks, So, your donkey is missing, what are you thanking God for?' Uddam replies, 'I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I, too, would have been missing.'
School Joke
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
My father grows beans, said Anil.
My father cooks beans, said Ranjit.
Then a little Sardarji, Narinder, spoke up, 'We are all human beans.'
Hospital Joke
Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta Singh stood beside the bed, Santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta Singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta Singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta Singh was visiting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. 'You know,' he said, 'Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.' He unfolded the note and read aloud, 'Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube.'
Cricket Joke
Cricket is the sport that Indian's are most passionate about as its probably the only sport, in India, where the national team does well from time-to-time. The Indian cricket team is worshipped when it wins, but when it loses it's time to tell jokes.
Will and Guy have selected their team of 11 favourites for you to enjoy. Let it be known that all these jokes, could be used about Australian, English, or even Yorkshire cricket. All you would need to do in our opinion is substitute the names Warne, Flintoff or Boycott as appropriate.
What does Harbajan Singh put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket? A bat.
Where do Indian Batsman perform there best? In adverts.
When would Saurav Ganguly have 100 runs against his name? When he is bowling.
What do you call an Indian player with 60 runs against his name? A bowler.
What would Ben Hilfenhaus be if he was an Indian? An all-rounder.
What is the difference between an Indian batsman and an Australian one? 100 runs.
What is the Indian definition of optimism? Yuvraj Singh applying sunscreen on his face before he comes in to bat.
The wicket-keeper had a high opinion of himself and was very free with his advice to the captain.
'You know,' he said, 'You've picked two men who should never be in the side.'
'Oh really,' said the captain icily, 'and who's the other one?'
What is the Indian version of a hat-trick? 3 runs in 3 balls.
Suresh Shastri asked: 'I've never umpired a game before, do I run after the ball?' No, run after the match!
How should the Indian coach reshuffle the Indian batting order? Move "Extras" up the order.
Computer Joke
Santa enters a shop that sell curtains. He announces to Gurdaya, the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of green curtains.' The salesman assures him that they had a large selection of green curtains. Gurdaya shows him several patterns, but Santa seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, he selects a smashing green floral print. The salesman asked what size curtains he requires. Santa replies, 'Fifteen inches.' 'Fifteen inches? ' explodes Gurdaya. 'That sounds a very small amount, what room are they for?' Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor. Gurdaya, an extremely surprised salesman replies, 'But, sir, computers do not have curtains!" ' Santa says, 'Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows.'
Hearing Aid Joke
Santa, hard of hearing, realises that he needs to buy a hearing aid, but he feels unwilling to spend too much money. 'How much do they cost?' he asks Manbir, the shopkeeper. 'That depends,' says. Manbir, 'They run from £20 to £2,000.' 'Let's see the £20 model,' asks Santa. Manbir puts the device around Santa's neck instructing, 'You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket.' 'How does it work?' Santa inquires. 'For only £20 it doesn't work," Manbir replies, 'But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!'
Dream Joke
Santa kept having the same strange dream every night, so he made an appointment to see a doctor. Doctor Ajaib: What was your dream about? Santa: I was being chased by a vampire! Doctor Ajaib: [smiling to himself] So... what is the scenery like? Santa: I was running in a hall way. Doctor Ajaib: Then what happened? Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge! Doctor Ajaib: Does the door have anything written on it? Santa: Yes it does. Doctor: And what do these letters say? Santa: It says, "Pull."
Lottery Joke
Banta finds himself in considerable trouble. His business has gone bust and he has serious financial concerns. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray: 'Oh God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.' Lotto night arrives and somebody else wins it. Banta goes back to the temple, 'God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.' Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!! Back to the temple he goes. 'God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?' Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Banta is confronted by the voice of the Lord, 'OYE BANTA, YOU HAVE TO BUY THE TICKET FIRST.'
Clock Joke
Santa is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Santa says agrees. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Santa figures he has been made a fool by that man. On the next day Santa is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' Santa gives him the thousand and says, 'Oye, I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder.'
Bar Joke
Santa goes into a bar in New York. The man on his right orders a drink, 'Johnnie Walker, single.' The man on his left says, 'Jack Daniels, single.' Santa says. 'Santa Singh, married.'
School Joke
Santa returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father, 'Dad, today we had a spelling class. All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?' 'No son, that's because you are intelligent.' Santa seemed content with the answer, asks his father another question, 'Dad, today we had Maths class. All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ?' 'No son, that's because you are intelligent,' replies his father. Happy with the answer, Santa poses another question to his father, 'Dad, today we had medical examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar ?' The father replies, 'No son, that's because you are 33 years old.'
Wedding Joke
Santa and Jeeto were preparing wedding cards for their son at the printers. Jeeto was not very good at English so she asked the printer to help her. After the printer had presented her with a draft, she quickly pointed out that the "RSVP " was missing . The printer was surprised by Jeeto's knowledge and asked her if she knew what it meant. Jeeto started to think and after much thought he replied, 'Vait! I remember. I remember. RSVP. It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present."
This page contains very spicy Punjabi jokes that are from a rare traditional collection.